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ebola monkey, the other white meat

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8th June 2004

mister_sickly3:17am: ebola ice cream, it's what's for dessert.

--F.R.S.

17th April 2004

beebo3:10pm: just want everyone to know, to be on alert,
and make sure there are screens in your window,
because the ebola monkey migrates back from
you know, those places, now that summer is here.

i saw monkey hair on the porch this morning.
and i heard weird screeches this A.M.

16th November 2003

littleheaven7:12am: Does the ebola monkey go South for the winter, or do I still have to worry?

11th October 2003

geek_ho3:33am: Ask Ebola George!
Dear Ebola George,

My friends and I were vacationing near a lake in the Adirondacks recently. We are all horny twenty-somethings, with differing personalities, except there are two jocks, one better looking than the other, a smart tall guy, and all the girls are the same- sort of bimboish idiots, except the brunette who is hot but wont give it up, the bitch.
We are great friends!
Well, one night we were drinking cheap beer by the campfire and us guys were telling scary stories to frighten the easy blondes. Suddenly, we heard a loud noise. It was a screeching horror that penetrated our ears much like the sharpest razor...to our ears. A sound (i love monkey) so vile and so forbading that of course, we knew... it mustve been the wind.

Anyway, everyone got explosive diarrhea and died. Well , that brunette biotch didnt but I will get her medula in the sequel. Since that night Ive craved brains, especially yours, Ebola George, and all I can do to speak now is scream "Touchdown!" everytime I crap my shorts while gripping the ceiling.

Sincerely,
Big Larry The Jock who once wanted in your pants but now wants your brains.


Dear Big Larry etc.,

You fucking amateur. I cant believe you arent speaking in tongues yet! Have you even learned to catapult feces from a breathtaking distance? Dont write me again until you know the taste of Martha Stewart.

Sir Ebola George

3rd September 2003

geek_ho2:40am: Ask Ebola George!
Dear Ebola George,

Last week, my husband Larry brought a monkey home from work. He works at the Center for Diseased Monkeys and Small Children. I asked if the monkey could have ebola, and he said "No honey, Poopitcher here hasnt had ebola in a long time!".

Right now the monkey is taking huge dumps and throwing them at my screaming children, Larry Jr and Larry 2.0. Im sweating, he wants my brains. He has a tendency to jump on my face and claw at my eyes. He has also chewed up my Martha Stewart lingerie and spit the bloodied remains at my dog, Martha. I have diarrhea. I think he is on the ceiling.
My question is, how do I get Poopitcher to feel more comfortable in my home?
And also, is it true that brains taste of chicken?
- Ms. Larry

Dear Ms.Larry,

I havent had ebola in a long time either, though I occasionally go into convulsions or plot to eat the brains of those Lesser To The Ebola Monkey Squeak.
But, those usually pass after I have some scotch and watch "Trading Spaces", and then pass out naked in my lawn chair.
Just let the monkey bite you. It means he wants your brains, but in a nice way.
No, tastes of children.
beebo2:01am: It's funny, my cousin just came down with West Nile disease.
My friend has hay fever... and if bad things come in threes....

does this mean... i will soon have, the ebola disease?

i shake and shiver in bed at night worrying.
Lordy lord lord sue.

7th May 2003

littleheaven10:56am: he mocks me.

6th May 2003

beebo12:54am: Yesterday in the ER,
a patient came in.

He stuttered, and could only say
"Monkey see, Monkey CHEW!" over and over.

They took him to the pysch ward.

He had bites on his arms, legs, and clavicle.
he had ebola.

I think this is a pretty open and shut case
of an Ebola Monkey Attack.

28th April 2003

littleheaven7:06am: Even when I think we are all safe in large numbers... the damned monkey still comes after us!
This time, imperfectly got some photographic proof of our plight!

I will not live in fer for the rest of my life!
*rustling under the desk*

What's that?
*scratching at me shoes*

No!!!!!

24th April 2003

tillytollo1:57pm: bitter kiss of the ebola monkey
i left my bedroom window open last night...
big, big mistake.
littleheaven3:43pm: It's quiet... almost too quiet.
The usual sqeaks and taps I hear have ceased. Now... silence.

I know he's out there- somewhere, waiting to kill again.
Why does he do this to me?

I'm scared....
el_squeako12:07am: Grrrrrrrrrowwwl owwwasdggggggh....
Current Mood: hungry

23rd April 2003

el_squeako2:49am: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!


SQUEEEAKKKK!! GRRRRrrrroweirwrhwelriaehlrelrrrrhgggh!

ffsst..

fsst.. FRROEHRWIEOEEEEEEE!!!!!(leaping)
asrhrhrrrrrrrrhrrhrrrrrhrrrrhrhrhrhrrh!~~~~!!!!!!(attacking)


sniff...sniff... brains....mm....sniff.....
lick... squeak...
Current Mood: bitchy

22nd April 2003

littleheaven10:16pm: Strange sounds come from my basement at night....
could it be the ebola monkey?

also, I am married to a terrifying screech monkey.
ask erin.
she saw the face.
and the sound effect to go with it.
beebo7:33pm: !!!
My fortune cookie said:

"next time order the ebola sesame chicken."

there were little brown paw prints on the menu too.
Current Mood: scared

17th April 2003

beebo12:18am:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(SQUEEEAAAK SQUEAK ARRGGH MUNCH MUNCH Mmmm brains!)
Current Mood: painnnn!

16th April 2003

mellybean11:08pm: holy wow....you're all crazy!!!
it's west nile!! and ebola!! and SARS!! all together!! ACK!


ok bye.
kellwood9:38pm: what's up kids?
hi.
i'm kelly.
and i've only got one thing to say:

open your eyes, what do you see?
the crackhead bunny ebola monkey is coming for me....
do do rahhhhh * do do rahhhhhh


thank you. thank you very much.
beebo8:35pm: I love ebola... I pray to ebola, I wish for ebola
monkey to visit me at night and squeak deliciously.

I'm going to wear banana perfume from now on.
Current Mood: ecstatic
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